A Bucket List Confession

“I am so excited to meet you! You are so courageous and fun…I bet you
would just jump out of an airplane if you could.  Do you hope to skydive someday?”
I wish someone had snapped a quick Instagram of my face the
day in November a woman said this to me. 
I met her in a local retail store and she reads my blog.  She had a distinct impression that I am
someone of risk.  I do hope I portray
joy…fun…living out loud…but I honestly do not know why she thought I would sky
dive.  Anyone who really knows me, knows
that I am a CHICKEN!  I do not like speed
or heights or any activity associated with speed and heights.  I respect those whose bucket lists include
skydiving and speed racing…not me. 
There are many things I would like to do in my lifetime…but
by comparison to other lists, I am really boring.  However, I thought I would confess one
today.  My struggle with weight has
really been over a lifetime.  When I decided
to take care of myself at age fifty, part of that journey was learning to
accept my body and dress it as it existed. 
I learned the fundamentals of fashion so that I actually looked smaller
than the scales read and learned to look in the mirror as I was… and be
pleased. 
Because eating disorders became such a problem a few years
ago, the media began to send messages of body image acceptance no matter our
size.   Full figured women became models
and plus-size bloggers gained audiences. 
I have lived in the plus size world for many, many years and I was
thrilled to see all of this happen.  I
still believe it is important for all of us to accept and love who we are
today…right now…this minute.
So, is it bad or
hypocritical that I would like to know what it is like to be smaller??
Does it make me someone to worry about?

I don’t want to be a stick, but perhaps go from my size 16 to a
12 or a 10?? Yes, I will tell you that I am working out for my health.  That is a huge part of it…but I am also
working out because I desire just for a time, to be able to wear smaller
clothes!
There I said it…it’s out there.  I believe I have a balanced perspective of the issue.  However, it would give me such joy to finally
have the extra weight gone.  I am working
on it slowly and the journey is more consistent than it has been in a long
time.  Hopefully, I will get there.

 Now, seriously, does it make you think less of me?  For some reason, I have been hesitant to confess to anyone that I wanted to lose weight…for more than just health reasons.   I guess the implication is that I do not believe you can look great in your clothes as a plus size.  That is not truth…because I believe you can look fabulous at any size.  But, this is a personal wish, and a personal one only.  I really want to believe I conquered the beast!

 Does anyone else have this on your bucket list?  Please join in the conversation and have a
wonderful, warm Saturday!

This is part of a Saturday blog hop with Midlife Boulevard…just click HERE!

18 Comments

  1. I really admire your honesty! There is no reason to be ashamed to admit wanting to be a smaller size. I am not overweight but I, too, long to wear a smaller size!! Over the years I've gone from a size 6 to a size 12. While I'll never be a 6, I'd gladly be a 10!! I so enjoy reading your blog! – Beth B

  2. Of course I don't think less of you Pam – your desire is yours to pursue, and there's joy to be had by reaching our goals. I have never seen you as a big person, nor would I judge you if you were — but I support you in any healthy goal you have. xox

  3. Pam, of course not. I think we all have to define for ourselves what looking and feeling our best means to us. I deliberately set out to lose weight – and did – last year, and that first step was being honest that it was something I wanted to do.

  4. Happy Saturday from Houston!
    Do I want to lose weight to look better….YES!!! and I don't care who knows it! I am one of those people who have gone up and down my entire adult life. I would like to finally get to that normal and comfortable weight for me, no one else, so I like what I see in the mirror and feel healthy. I think when my outside does not line up with my inside there is always a conflicting struggle going on with my self image. I just get tired of fighting with the image in the mirror. So this new year, I am going for it, and getting my body in the place it needs to be. 99 percent commitment is so much harder to do than to just go ahead and commit all the way to 100 percent, that is a breeze. I am going for it this year, to LOOK and FEEL good and glad to know you are too!
    Judith Presgrove

  5. Being "larger" now than previously, I just want to be smaller again. To my eye, my clothes looked better. I get rather tired of trying to "hide" what wasn't even there before! ha! – nope, not saying I am too big now or unhealthy…just my personal preference. I don't think it's all vanity. Nothing wrong with personal pride – in appearance as well as in meeting a goal (ANY goal). Have a great day! Keep up the wonderful work! ~ Betty (SC)

  6. I have been a fitness fanatic my whole life. But that doesn't mean that I am a stick. I've toyed with the thought of how it would feel to be stick-thin. But I had an experience that changed all that! (Sometime, I'll tell you about it!) Now I just want to be able to fit into my clothes and not have to shop for more. So you see, my desire to remain as I am is largely due to the fact that I hate clothes shopping. Does that make me weird?

  7. Hi Pam! I can't imagine anyone thinking less of you because you want to lose weight…..as they say, the heart wants what it wants. If you believe that will allow you to experience a new and better you, then why not? Only you can say whether it matters or it doesn't matter so go for it. Of course I am one of those crazy who DID jump out of an airplane at age 40 so who am I to tell you your not crazy? 🙂

  8. Granson Adam is now 3 months old. I know, amazing. We are living close by, so they spend lots of time with us. I am not sure he know who I am yet, LOl
    Lots of love, my dear Pam.
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  9. Pam, I'm on the same quest, to reach the goal I had achieved only 4 years ago. I just need to learn how to keep it off. No need to feel ashamed about it. It is part of our nature to want to feel pretty.
    Marilyn

  10. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a smaller size! Whether it's to do with clothes or health or just feeling better about yourself in general, we should never feel guilty or that it's a slight against anyone else to want this. For me, it was about the clothes – I longed to have the variety of shopping!

  11. I too have lost weight this past year,15. – 18 lbs depending on the month. Lol. Idid it to look better although the way I did it (weight watchers and exercise) has made me healthier. But if I am truthful, it was vanity that drove it

  12. Pamela: First, let me say I think you look beautiful! However, I totally understand what you're saying! I have lost hundreds of pounds over a lifetime….up and down..we go. When I finally got down to the weight I wanted, I felt more alive, healthy, confident, energetic and happier than I have ever felt. I enjoyed buying smaller clothes and loved the way I looked in them. That lasted for several years, but now I'm struggling again…..trying to find that familiar motivation and energy. You have just restored it for me….thank you! We'll fight this fight together! "May the force be with us!" Angela Muller

  13. Someone else said it for me – my outside does not match my inside. My first step is treating a really bad back that keeps me from exercising very much. So I'm doing that as the first step to get the two sides of me to match!

  14. Don't you worry. If this is what you want at this time of life, who can say you cannot? You are your own judge. I started to excersize when I became 50 because I needed the suppleness but also for looking good. I always wanted to be the same size as it is really expensive not being able to fit all those clothes in the closet. The benefit of my addiction to clothes is that I keep myself healthy and trained to be able to fit in them. A strange benefit, but still.
    Greetje

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